There are things that define us. Or at least we allow them to. I hear a lot of the time, when people around me talk, say things like, “Oh can’t eat mash potatoes, when I was four my best friend’s sister threw up after she ate mash potatoes and the thought of it just…I just can’t eat them.” Or things like, “my dad left when I was 2 years old so I can’t be in a committed relationship.”
I mean, WHAT?
Why do we allow these things that we either have no control over or that are already dead and gone in the past, define who we are as adults. And worse, define the children we are raising? We pass down all these “things” onto fresh little minds that really have no business feeling tense and anxiety over mash potatoes.
Why do we worry just because our parents “taught” us to worry? Why do we create things in our heads that do not exist? Why is it that we shut down when we get uncomfortable and don’t allow ourselves to be open to a whole new world that we might actually enjoy? Why is it that when something good comes our way, we tend to smash it down with the “what if’s?”
I used to carry a lot with me.
I was a vegetarian, why you ask, oh because of the animals. Did I eat responsibly and consider the animals in any other way in my life, no. And there was no turning back because I heard that once you stop eating meat, when you eat it again you get sick. Along the way in life I developed a phobia of throwing up. Why you ask? I have no F-ing clue. A therapist once told me it is because I have a need to control and throwing up is anything but control. It got to the point to where I would only eat “safe” foods, so I wouldn’t get sick and throw up. I would sit in the back of the class in college, just in case I got sick. Was I feeling sick? Not even a little bit.
I had an ego. Man, did I have an ego. And a shitty one at that. I saw something in my head and no one in the world could change my point of view. I still have the damn thing but it has grown weaker, not as weak as I’d like but it’s weaker. I created drama and negativity when drama and negativity could have been avoided. I smoked. A lot. I smoked because I worried. I worried about everything. I would create conversations in my head that didn’t exist, it was the “what if’s” that literally controlled my entire world. I never got on a plane, because well, “what if” I got sick and threw up. I never took care of my health issues, “what if they find something worse” or heavens to fucking Betsy, “what if” I threw up from the medication they gave me.
It was exhausting.
Until one day, I met an incredible human being. And one comment changed my life.
I remember this day as if it was yesterday, and honestly I couldn’t tell you what happened yesterday, We were sitting outside of our work, in one of the most beautiful and extremely rich area, and as this woman walked by I took everything negative about her and started talking shit. What I pointed out the most were her lips, to me they looked fake. To me.
There was no reciprocation from him, there was no added comment about her lips. But what struck me was the way he looked deep into my soul and said,
“Have you ever thought that there may be something wrong with her lips and that is why they look like that? That just maybe she didn’t have them done and that she is going through a rough time in her life? You never know what someone may be dealing with.”
For the first time in my life, I stopped.
You see, I was drawn to this incredible human for a reason. We starred at each other through the window of my work for years before even verbally saying hi to each other. And every time our eyes met, there was this strange magnetic energy that I couldn’t explain at the time. I just knew we were connected and that something was going to bring us together.
And this was one of the first actual conversation him and I had the balls to have and I had to make it negative.
For the first time in my life, I stopped and felt.
I had been so numb from never being pulled from my comfort zone. I was allowed to sit in my own negativity and stew my entire life. And one day, this person, who I didn’t really know just yet, pulled me so hard that I couldn’t help but rethink the life that I wanted to create for myself.
Judging people, always thinking the worst when good was happening, allowing my phobias to control my life was not the life I wanted to create and live until the end of time.
You see, we don’t know when the end of time is coming. We get this one life, one time, why fill it with negative weight. Why fill it with the chaos that we create in our own heads.
Don’t get me wrong, I am no guru that has everything figured out. I struggle, daily. I have to check myself constantly. What I am learning is that it is way easier to be negative and complain than it is to be positive and change the mindset that sets the tone for the day. I still allow damn phobias to make my decisions, is it few and far between, absolutely but they are there. Do I still allow conversations to take place in my head that shouldn’t be there, yea, but I can redirect myself quicker and not allow that to consume me.
I am in a more content place in my life, I have done more things than I ever thought I was capable of. I’ve gotten on planes, eaten meat, had more surgeries than I ever expected, I have created two humans, given birth to those humans… my list continues. And I owe the awakening of my strength to that one incredible human being, my husband. There are no words that I can fully describe that do what I’ve experienced in these last 10 years justice.
Life is hard, but is it? I am starting to realize that WE make it harder than it needs to be.
What do you think?
Do you connect with any of this?